What It's Really Like!!
What It's Really Like To Get A "Vagina Facial"
Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow told the world she enjoys steaming her vagina for 'energizing' purposes and we all laughed and said "Haha, that Paltrow. What will be next?" Well, apparently the idea of vagina cleansing is more than just a wacky comment from an A-lister, as Britain now has its very first vagina facialist, Lisa Palmer. She's steamed, buffed and polished everyone from a pensioners (click at your own risk) to British TV star Katie Hopkins—and now me.
When our Digital Editor first suggested I meet with Lisa to see what all the fuss is about, I laughed and said, "Yeah, I'll do it, if you can't persuade anyone else." And weirdly, she couldn't. But having worked in a strip club and been a regular wax victim for years, I'm pretty open-minded and chilled when it comes to this area. I even told my mom:
However, after watching this video of Katie Hopkins squatting over what looks like a food processor, I became concerned. That same video promises a vagina facial (vajacial to those in the know, y'know?) will make my nether regions "glow."Again, concerning. Never really had any desires to become a vaginal firefly.
As I waved farewell to my colleagues on the morning of V-Day, I had serious butterflies in my stomach. "What if the steam makes my bladder go mental and I accidentally pee everywhere?" I whispered, "Or it permanently fuses my minky together and I resemble dim sum? Or I burn to a crisp?" *Shudder*
Lisa offers a concierge service, but I opted to meet her in a clinic to have the treatment. She's usually based in Kent and charges roughly 7.00 per session. As soon as we shook hands, my fears eased up—she's lovely, I thought.
We chatted about how the vajacial came to be; it was a case of trial and error, born from her own curiosity and Internet research, which snowballed. She began giving her friends vajacials, then clients from her life coaching business. She now champions the process as an alternative to surgery and says it works wonders post-childbirth and for women needing a boost, usually those older than myself.
I aired my worries and Lisa reassured me Iwouldn'tneed to be on all fours. That'd been done at the request of Katie's producers for comical effect. I was left alone to strip off and took the below selfie to document my feelings of anticipation:
I hopped onto the bed, sans trousers and underwear, and covered my modesty with a towel while the steamer was being prepared. Lisa then adjusted the heat and directed the steam towards the area in question for around fifteen to twenty minutes. "You've got a nice one, nice and youthful!" (er, yes, I'm 23) she told me almost straightaway, peeking under the towel to confirm everything was set-up as it should be. Lisa checked I was okay throughout and adjusted the heat or towel accordingly. It felt like being in a sauna from the waist down. Steamy.
I was then patted dry and Lisa whisked up the 'magic paste' to apply with a brush. This feels a bit weird, but not uncomfortable – kind of like being licked with a really cold, bristly tongue. And although it contains honey, the paste isn't sticky so you don't have to wax or anything beforehand if that's not your cup of tea.
After the application, Lisa dimmed the lights and explained that usually she'd leave her clients to relax for a while. I forgot to relax and asked more vagina-related questions instead, and learned a lot. Did you know that your pubes fall out as you age? Enlightening.
After fifteen minutes of letting the paste dry, I was sponged off and patted down with a clean towel. And that was that. Forty-five, pain-free minutes over.
I thought about taking a before and after shot, but then I remembered I'm single and nobody cares about the state of my ovary cave. If only I hadn't deleted Snapchat...
But, in all honesty, the difference was minimal –non-existent, really. In fairness, Lisa did say you'd need the treatment for three to six months before seeing a change in "tone, texture and elasticity" and at the tender age of 23, I'm still pretty fly in the fanny area as it is.
As I gather my bag to leave, Lisa hands me some information about tightening exercises and we say a cheery farewell. I can't see this becoming a part of my regular beauty routine any time soon, but if you're older, earning enough to spend 5 on a beauty treatment or are particularly self-conscious about that area, then maybe it's worth a go. Until then, if I ever feel sad about the state of my vag (which to be honest isn't often, it's sick) I'll just buy a nice pair of pants for it to hang out with. Nice one.
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